I'm feeling pretty good right now. I've been eating my new meals for a couple days now and it's such a load off my mind to wake up every day or come home at night and know that good food is ready and available.
One of the things I've struggled with in the past, and I'm trying to avoid doing now, is trying to do everything at once. I'm feeling better emotionally so I want EVERYTHING to be good from eating, to keeping my house clean, being organized, and even working out.
I have such difficulty in just trying one thing at a time and waiting until I get comfortable before adding something else. I'm sure I'm not the only one!
My friend Linda is doing the MORE workouts and to some degree feel that if she can do it, so can I so I've been reading all this stuff today about T-Tapp and trying to find my MORE workout and just feeling some sort of competitiveness and I don't really understand why. I'm happy she's doing the workout and happy she's in the place where she's ready for it -- I just feel like I should be there too.
I think that partially I'm scared of losing this wave that I'm on, this feeling good and wanting to get things done wave that I have to try and do it all or I'll feel as though I'm not doing enough.
I tell ya, sometimes I write what is going on and I feel so confused and messed up and then some times everything is very clear. I really wish I could stabilize and get to that middle-ground where I understand and can do what is best, not necessarily what everyone else (meaning media, doctors, well intentioned people) think is right, does that make sense?
I am going to start a cleanse (probably 3 months total) using the DrNatura.com products (Colonix). I decided to do this in addition to eating better as building blocks. If I get my foundation ready then I should be able to build onto it. Maybe once my foundation is stronger, things will be clearer to me.
Update: 6/18/2007
I discovered that even when the food is already prepared that it doesn't solve the problems. I canceled the DTG service. I wonder if I'll ever find some mix of things that works for me.
I enjoy eating 'le junque' - perhaps too much but I added in a yummy smoothie this morning. I'm hoping that adding those back in will start to even out the way I eat.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
As Time Goes By
OK, it's been a few weeks since I last posted, my how time flies?
My work life has been keeping me on my toes. Back in December I was made a team lead of two people and life was good .. this month things evolved and I'm not officially the manager but it'll work into that soon enough and I'll be in charge of 8 people. Phew. It's a really good thing but it stresses me out at times. I have high expectations of myself and I also expect others to have those same expectations of THEIR self and it doesn't always work out that way. It's a challenging and rewarding experience though and I've worked hard to get to this spot and I'm happy I'm here and present in life to experience it.
Here's what has been going on, this was posted on another forum, for those doing a low-carb plan:
Let's see .. what have I been up to? I've been getting my mind straight. I had a tendency to obsess about things that I was dealing with and in that I would be consumed by thoughts of it. In this case, it was dieting. If I was dieting that was ALL I was doing. I was not able to "diet" and not be obsessed with it. I needed to post multiple times a day, read about dieting, think about dieting, and just BE a dieter. I was not able to be Tracey who happened to be dieting. I was that way about everything. I said that I was an all or nothing person and that I was not able to DO something, I had to BE it. I hope that makes sense.
Essentially by not posting on this board I put my obsessions on a diet.
I have been studying the law of attraction (as seen on Oprah, a show called 'The Secret') and it has really really changed my life and my thinking. I realized that by obsessing about dieting and my debt that I was doing nothing but putting out that energy into the world and bringing more of it to me. I was so miserable. I hated everything about my life. I was never happy.
I started changing by using gratitude as my focus. I started every day and ended every night with a list of all the things I was grateful for. Everything from the fact that I got to walk outside in the sun to the fact that my car started and my skin was clear. It didn't matter how big or small or even how seemingly insignificant, I was grateful for it.
Yesterday I had an epiphany .. I love my life. For the first time in my life I can honestly and whole heartedly say that I love myself and I love my life. I've never felt that way before and it's really awesome to feel it! I feel such joy now. I feel like I'm going in the right direction.
One of the ideas that The Secret teaches is that food is not what makes us fat - it is our "fat thoughts". I know that when I was dieting and obsessing, I had nothing but fat thoughts! I believed that everything I ate was making me fat. The book says to think on the people who say things like, "I can eat anything I want and never gain weight." Previously I would just be so angry and jealous because *I* couldn't do that, I would retort, "wow I wish I was that way because everything I eat goes straight to my ass!"
Well guess what .. it did! I asked it to, I gave it an engraved invitation! No wonder I was so miserable!
The book talks about the story of the genie in the bottle who gives you wishes, whatever you ask for it responds with 'Your Wish is My Command'. Everything I ask for in life I get - whether I realize I've asked or not.
Anyway, I completely went off Kimkims the day I left here and I've been feeling good about it. I'm working on my attitude about food instead of attacking the food itself. I think that how I perceive it is going to do far more for me than what I eat. That said, I do plan to get back on track and eat foods that are better for me because a life of junk does not make my body run smooth. It's like putting regular gas into a sports car, it works but not well.
-=-
I'm not sure right now if I'm going to get back to Kimkins or if I'm just going to keep going the way I am right now. On one hand, I felt better physically when eating Kimkins but emotionally I was miserable. I spent all my time thinking about dieting that I just was consumed by it and that wasn't healthy for me. I have been wanting to find a middle-ground that I was happy with - eating better/lower carb but still not going all the way. It's difficult because in the past I've been an "all or nothing" person and I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't like obsessing with my diet. If I come here and post all the time, like I used to, I spend so much time thinking about it that I felt I was bringing myself more pain even though on the surface it felt good to share everything with you guys, does that make sense?
A lot of times when I'm dieting I hate myself because I feel like I'm failure, I can't even eat right - if I could, I wouldn't be fat. All the negative things I would say to myself and I think my dieting was in some ways responsible for a lot of the way I'd treat myself in all areas of my life, not just my health but in my job, in relationships, etc.
In no way am I saying Kimkins is bad because it really did help me get where I am right now. I just know that the price is high for it.
My eating has balanced out and I am no longer feasting on anything and everything. I'm eating smaller quantities naturally and enjoying what I eat without stressing so much. I think I would feel better if I ate less sugar/carbs but that has to be a gradual thing and not something I push myself to do or else I'll end up back where I was. I guess I'm just taking it one meal at a time and being OK with that - being OK with myself too. I really do love and accept myself for who and what I am and I think that's worth a lot right there.
-=-
Here's something I wrote to someone else after they saw the post I wrote just above:
I really wish I had this easy to duplicate method for weight loss. I know I'm on the right track but I don't have this pat answer for how I've done it.
Awhile back I made a post in the 100+ thread about gratitude and that is really the key to everything I've been doing.
I began doing Kimkins last Sept. when I realized that I didn't want to live my life heavy any longer. I had gone to visit a friend in Seattle and she was larger than I was (300lbs at the time) and she seemed to be loving life. She had a lot of friends, boyfriends, etc, and she seemed to have it all - meaning everything I didn't have. I envied that about her but I also realized I didn't want it. I didn't like being heavy and I didn't want to accept it like she had. She and her friends were so accepting of themselves that it didn't matter that they were 300+lbs.
I couldn't live that way. I didn't want to either so I decided that enough was enough and it was time to change. I joined up with Kimkins and lost 25lbs in the first 3 weeks and then I got cocky about it and went the way of the carb. I didn't gain any of it back and I maintained that loss until January when I dedicated myself to Kimkins and I lost another 25lbs only that time it took me 2.5months to do it.
But I had a big problem .. I wasn't happy with myself. I felt deprived and I felt like I was going to spend the rest of my life eating this way and everyone else in the world got to eat whatever they wanted. My mantra was "it isn't fair!" I was pretty miserable even though I felt fantastic and was looking pretty damn good too!
I came across 'The Secret' and in it they talk about the idea that what you think of you manifest in your life. Whoa. What a concept! Seriously, I thought about being fat, dieting, and my debt ALL DAY LONG! If what they said was true then no wonder I was fat, depressed, and in debt. I was literally telling the universe to give me more fat and debt with every thought.
I made a concerted effort right then and there to stop thinking about dieting. I stopped visiting the Kimkins site and I started to eat what I wanted to eat. I stopped fussing over my budget and put everything on auto-pay. I decided that in order to feel secure I needed at least $1000 in the bank and within one week I'd come into $1000 through various ways (refunds, etc) and I stopped thinking about money.
I did gain about 10lbs of binge eating weight initially because I was living on pure junk since I'd been denied it for about 3 months at that point.
Every night when I went to bed, I laid there and just relaxed. I started to list out what I was grateful for in my life, everything from the new bed I'd bought (and love) to the strength in my legs when I walked. It didn't matter how inconsequential it was, I was grateful for it. I was grateful every morning when I got in my car and it started, I was grateful every time the light was green and I didn't have to stop, I was grateful when my favorite parking spot was open for me every day. I binged on gratitude.
About a month after I started my "attitude of gratitude" I had a HUGE realization .. I loved my life. I loved ME! I can wake up every day and feel so happy about who I am.
I know at this point you are probably thinking, 'OK Tracey, I get the gratitude bit but what about your weight!!'
But, it's all tied together. In the book 'The Secret' they talk about acting 'as if' and being grateful for things even if you don't have them. It sounds strange but I started off with a little thing like my sleep.
Every night, after I run through my list of things I'm grateful for (that are real) I start in on what I don't have right now but I act as if I do.
I have three things that I say without fail:
I am so grateful I fall asleep quickly and easily
I am so grateful I sleep soundly and completely
I am so grateful that I wake up refreshed and ready to start my day
Ever since I started with those (somewhat beginning with the end in mind) I haven't used an alarm. I wake up at 7am wide-awake, rested and cornily, ready to start my day. If I need to wake up earlier I just change it to, "I wake up at 6am refreshed and ready to start my day" and guess what? I wake up at 6am ready to start my day.
I thought, OK, so now I'm sleeping better and it DOES have a big thing to do with my weight because I sleep well, I feel refreshed and I don't have that crazy feeling during the day that causes me to eat.
I don't eat perfect, I hope I never do because perfection is boring *G* but I don't eat as much during the day because "I Love and ACCEPT MYSELF".
I did start to make small changes, without effort actually, half a sandwich instead of a whole one, one slice of pizza instead of two (but hey, two cookies to go with that!) and mini bagels instead of the huge 4 serving bagel shop sized. I was OK with those choices because I was still having what I wanted, just not as much.
I also started doing Shapely Secrets (by Greer Childer) it's a "motionless exercise" program and it's about 7 minutes a day and it hasn't been that much work for me to do. I could handle 7 minutes and not feel forced into it or even guilted into it.
I think that's the key, doing what you can do and being accepting of it and yourself.
I started eating less food because I didn't want it. I didn't do it because I felt I *had* to do it. I just wanted less and so I ate less (see above). If I want more, I certainly eat more but I'm noticing my hunger has changed a lot and my intake reflects that. Some days I eat a lot of food and others not so much. I don't sweat it thought because I do love myself and I accept all parts of me.
When I look at myself in the mirror I see a beautiful strong person who is loving, accepting, amazing, exciting, etc etc... that's who I see now because I have love in me for everything else, I also have that same love for me. Does that make sense?
I know it's all a bit much but here's my suggestion... play what I call the gratitude game. When I have a few moments and feel a little out of sorts I start with the letter A and list one positive descriptive word that starts with A, then I go on to B, C, etc... the challenge is finding positive words. It's amazing how much negative ones will pop up in your mind way before you'll get a positive one. You'll probably get stuck on letters too and be unable to find a positive word
but persist in it and you will succeed. Once I reach Z, I start over and make myself find a NEW positive word -- this round is even harder!
I am Amazing
I am Beautiful
I am Courageous
I am Decadent
I am Eloquent
I am Feisty
I am Gracious
I am Humble
I am Ingenious
I am Joyful
I am Kind
Sometimes, I just say "I am" a lot and I feel better.
It all probably sounds like I've been smoking the new age bong or something but I seriously believe that these past two months have been some of the best in my life all because I learned how to be grateful.
-=-
Phew .. I am in an amazing place though wouldn't you say? It reminds me of the line from The Matrix where Neo asks Morpheus why his eyes hurt and Morpheus says, "because you haven't not used them before" and it just resonates with me that I had never used my eyes or my mind in such ways and now that I am I see things so much more vividly.
So here I sit and I'm eating less, yes, I'm still eating a lot of junk and I don't feel good physically. I felt better doing low-carb despite the emotional price I had to pay.
Last night I re-read the T-Tapp book section on GM/MM and then went to the forums and saw the post about the Diets-To-Go company doing GM/MM meals and thought, Eureka!
This was exactly what I needed .. I needed to put my eating on auto-pilot just like I put my bills on auto-pay and stopped thinking of them. I loved doing Jenny Craig because it took thinking out of the equation. I was at peace with eating because I wasn't obsessing about it. I was able to sit down once a week and make up a plan and then just eat according to that plan. I didn't have to fuss with it.
I ordered the 7 day menu plan from Diets-To-Go, specifically the low-carb plan since I do much better when I don't have lots of bread and carbs (especially with my PCOS) and I think this is going to a good choice for me.
Now the only thing I obsess about is my job .. maybe I could put it on 'auto-manage' *G*
My work life has been keeping me on my toes. Back in December I was made a team lead of two people and life was good .. this month things evolved and I'm not officially the manager but it'll work into that soon enough and I'll be in charge of 8 people. Phew. It's a really good thing but it stresses me out at times. I have high expectations of myself and I also expect others to have those same expectations of THEIR self and it doesn't always work out that way. It's a challenging and rewarding experience though and I've worked hard to get to this spot and I'm happy I'm here and present in life to experience it.
Here's what has been going on, this was posted on another forum, for those doing a low-carb plan:
Let's see .. what have I been up to? I've been getting my mind straight. I had a tendency to obsess about things that I was dealing with and in that I would be consumed by thoughts of it. In this case, it was dieting. If I was dieting that was ALL I was doing. I was not able to "diet" and not be obsessed with it. I needed to post multiple times a day, read about dieting, think about dieting, and just BE a dieter. I was not able to be Tracey who happened to be dieting. I was that way about everything. I said that I was an all or nothing person and that I was not able to DO something, I had to BE it. I hope that makes sense.
Essentially by not posting on this board I put my obsessions on a diet.
I have been studying the law of attraction (as seen on Oprah, a show called 'The Secret') and it has really really changed my life and my thinking. I realized that by obsessing about dieting and my debt that I was doing nothing but putting out that energy into the world and bringing more of it to me. I was so miserable. I hated everything about my life. I was never happy.
I started changing by using gratitude as my focus. I started every day and ended every night with a list of all the things I was grateful for. Everything from the fact that I got to walk outside in the sun to the fact that my car started and my skin was clear. It didn't matter how big or small or even how seemingly insignificant, I was grateful for it.
Yesterday I had an epiphany .. I love my life. For the first time in my life I can honestly and whole heartedly say that I love myself and I love my life. I've never felt that way before and it's really awesome to feel it! I feel such joy now. I feel like I'm going in the right direction.
One of the ideas that The Secret teaches is that food is not what makes us fat - it is our "fat thoughts". I know that when I was dieting and obsessing, I had nothing but fat thoughts! I believed that everything I ate was making me fat. The book says to think on the people who say things like, "I can eat anything I want and never gain weight." Previously I would just be so angry and jealous because *I* couldn't do that, I would retort, "wow I wish I was that way because everything I eat goes straight to my ass!"
Well guess what .. it did! I asked it to, I gave it an engraved invitation! No wonder I was so miserable!
The book talks about the story of the genie in the bottle who gives you wishes, whatever you ask for it responds with 'Your Wish is My Command'. Everything I ask for in life I get - whether I realize I've asked or not.
Anyway, I completely went off Kimkims the day I left here and I've been feeling good about it. I'm working on my attitude about food instead of attacking the food itself. I think that how I perceive it is going to do far more for me than what I eat. That said, I do plan to get back on track and eat foods that are better for me because a life of junk does not make my body run smooth. It's like putting regular gas into a sports car, it works but not well.
-=-
I'm not sure right now if I'm going to get back to Kimkins or if I'm just going to keep going the way I am right now. On one hand, I felt better physically when eating Kimkins but emotionally I was miserable. I spent all my time thinking about dieting that I just was consumed by it and that wasn't healthy for me. I have been wanting to find a middle-ground that I was happy with - eating better/lower carb but still not going all the way. It's difficult because in the past I've been an "all or nothing" person and I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't like obsessing with my diet. If I come here and post all the time, like I used to, I spend so much time thinking about it that I felt I was bringing myself more pain even though on the surface it felt good to share everything with you guys, does that make sense?
A lot of times when I'm dieting I hate myself because I feel like I'm failure, I can't even eat right - if I could, I wouldn't be fat. All the negative things I would say to myself and I think my dieting was in some ways responsible for a lot of the way I'd treat myself in all areas of my life, not just my health but in my job, in relationships, etc.
In no way am I saying Kimkins is bad because it really did help me get where I am right now. I just know that the price is high for it.
My eating has balanced out and I am no longer feasting on anything and everything. I'm eating smaller quantities naturally and enjoying what I eat without stressing so much. I think I would feel better if I ate less sugar/carbs but that has to be a gradual thing and not something I push myself to do or else I'll end up back where I was. I guess I'm just taking it one meal at a time and being OK with that - being OK with myself too. I really do love and accept myself for who and what I am and I think that's worth a lot right there.
-=-
Here's something I wrote to someone else after they saw the post I wrote just above:
I really wish I had this easy to duplicate method for weight loss. I know I'm on the right track but I don't have this pat answer for how I've done it.
Awhile back I made a post in the 100+ thread about gratitude and that is really the key to everything I've been doing.
I began doing Kimkins last Sept. when I realized that I didn't want to live my life heavy any longer. I had gone to visit a friend in Seattle and she was larger than I was (300lbs at the time) and she seemed to be loving life. She had a lot of friends, boyfriends, etc, and she seemed to have it all - meaning everything I didn't have. I envied that about her but I also realized I didn't want it. I didn't like being heavy and I didn't want to accept it like she had. She and her friends were so accepting of themselves that it didn't matter that they were 300+lbs.
I couldn't live that way. I didn't want to either so I decided that enough was enough and it was time to change. I joined up with Kimkins and lost 25lbs in the first 3 weeks and then I got cocky about it and went the way of the carb. I didn't gain any of it back and I maintained that loss until January when I dedicated myself to Kimkins and I lost another 25lbs only that time it took me 2.5months to do it.
But I had a big problem .. I wasn't happy with myself. I felt deprived and I felt like I was going to spend the rest of my life eating this way and everyone else in the world got to eat whatever they wanted. My mantra was "it isn't fair!" I was pretty miserable even though I felt fantastic and was looking pretty damn good too!
I came across 'The Secret' and in it they talk about the idea that what you think of you manifest in your life. Whoa. What a concept! Seriously, I thought about being fat, dieting, and my debt ALL DAY LONG! If what they said was true then no wonder I was fat, depressed, and in debt. I was literally telling the universe to give me more fat and debt with every thought.
I made a concerted effort right then and there to stop thinking about dieting. I stopped visiting the Kimkins site and I started to eat what I wanted to eat. I stopped fussing over my budget and put everything on auto-pay. I decided that in order to feel secure I needed at least $1000 in the bank and within one week I'd come into $1000 through various ways (refunds, etc) and I stopped thinking about money.
I did gain about 10lbs of binge eating weight initially because I was living on pure junk since I'd been denied it for about 3 months at that point.
Every night when I went to bed, I laid there and just relaxed. I started to list out what I was grateful for in my life, everything from the new bed I'd bought (and love) to the strength in my legs when I walked. It didn't matter how inconsequential it was, I was grateful for it. I was grateful every morning when I got in my car and it started, I was grateful every time the light was green and I didn't have to stop, I was grateful when my favorite parking spot was open for me every day. I binged on gratitude.
About a month after I started my "attitude of gratitude" I had a HUGE realization .. I loved my life. I loved ME! I can wake up every day and feel so happy about who I am.
I know at this point you are probably thinking, 'OK Tracey, I get the gratitude bit but what about your weight!!'
But, it's all tied together. In the book 'The Secret' they talk about acting 'as if' and being grateful for things even if you don't have them. It sounds strange but I started off with a little thing like my sleep.
Every night, after I run through my list of things I'm grateful for (that are real) I start in on what I don't have right now but I act as if I do.
I have three things that I say without fail:
I am so grateful I fall asleep quickly and easily
I am so grateful I sleep soundly and completely
I am so grateful that I wake up refreshed and ready to start my day
Ever since I started with those (somewhat beginning with the end in mind) I haven't used an alarm. I wake up at 7am wide-awake, rested and cornily, ready to start my day. If I need to wake up earlier I just change it to, "I wake up at 6am refreshed and ready to start my day" and guess what? I wake up at 6am ready to start my day.
I thought, OK, so now I'm sleeping better and it DOES have a big thing to do with my weight because I sleep well, I feel refreshed and I don't have that crazy feeling during the day that causes me to eat.
I don't eat perfect, I hope I never do because perfection is boring *G* but I don't eat as much during the day because "I Love and ACCEPT MYSELF".
I did start to make small changes, without effort actually, half a sandwich instead of a whole one, one slice of pizza instead of two (but hey, two cookies to go with that!) and mini bagels instead of the huge 4 serving bagel shop sized. I was OK with those choices because I was still having what I wanted, just not as much.
I also started doing Shapely Secrets (by Greer Childer) it's a "motionless exercise" program and it's about 7 minutes a day and it hasn't been that much work for me to do. I could handle 7 minutes and not feel forced into it or even guilted into it.
I think that's the key, doing what you can do and being accepting of it and yourself.
I started eating less food because I didn't want it. I didn't do it because I felt I *had* to do it. I just wanted less and so I ate less (see above). If I want more, I certainly eat more but I'm noticing my hunger has changed a lot and my intake reflects that. Some days I eat a lot of food and others not so much. I don't sweat it thought because I do love myself and I accept all parts of me.
When I look at myself in the mirror I see a beautiful strong person who is loving, accepting, amazing, exciting, etc etc... that's who I see now because I have love in me for everything else, I also have that same love for me. Does that make sense?
I know it's all a bit much but here's my suggestion... play what I call the gratitude game. When I have a few moments and feel a little out of sorts I start with the letter A and list one positive descriptive word that starts with A, then I go on to B, C, etc... the challenge is finding positive words. It's amazing how much negative ones will pop up in your mind way before you'll get a positive one. You'll probably get stuck on letters too and be unable to find a positive word
but persist in it and you will succeed. Once I reach Z, I start over and make myself find a NEW positive word -- this round is even harder!
I am Amazing
I am Beautiful
I am Courageous
I am Decadent
I am Eloquent
I am Feisty
I am Gracious
I am Humble
I am Ingenious
I am Joyful
I am Kind
Sometimes, I just say "I am" a lot and I feel better.
It all probably sounds like I've been smoking the new age bong or something but I seriously believe that these past two months have been some of the best in my life all because I learned how to be grateful.
-=-
Phew .. I am in an amazing place though wouldn't you say? It reminds me of the line from The Matrix where Neo asks Morpheus why his eyes hurt and Morpheus says, "because you haven't not used them before" and it just resonates with me that I had never used my eyes or my mind in such ways and now that I am I see things so much more vividly.
So here I sit and I'm eating less, yes, I'm still eating a lot of junk and I don't feel good physically. I felt better doing low-carb despite the emotional price I had to pay.
Last night I re-read the T-Tapp book section on GM/MM and then went to the forums and saw the post about the Diets-To-Go company doing GM/MM meals and thought, Eureka!
This was exactly what I needed .. I needed to put my eating on auto-pilot just like I put my bills on auto-pay and stopped thinking of them. I loved doing Jenny Craig because it took thinking out of the equation. I was at peace with eating because I wasn't obsessing about it. I was able to sit down once a week and make up a plan and then just eat according to that plan. I didn't have to fuss with it.
I ordered the 7 day menu plan from Diets-To-Go, specifically the low-carb plan since I do much better when I don't have lots of bread and carbs (especially with my PCOS) and I think this is going to a good choice for me.
Now the only thing I obsess about is my job .. maybe I could put it on 'auto-manage' *G*
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