My Mom called yesterday and said that my granny was in the hospital and not expected to live. I'm not close to my granny but it was hard for my Mom and so I went to be with her through all this - even my Mom isn't that close but it's still her Mother.
I have been staying on plan but it's been hard. I just want to dive into the familiar and comfortable food. It's tough .. really tough. I'm tired and I'm worried and I'm just stressed. I will see what my weight is on Friday when I return home .. but it should be OK. I've been doing good with my eating.
Blah.
I haven't exercised since Saturday and strangely I'm missing it. I will do it tomorrow when I get home from Mom's and I'm looking forward to it.
What a week ...
Update: 1/29/2007
My granny is getting worse and we elected to put her on what is called 'comfort care' -- basically she's off all machines and is just getting morphine for the pain as she dies.
It's really hit home to me that people don't plan for accidents or death nearly well enough. It's one thing to say you want a DNR order when you into the hospital and another entirely to deal with everything that comes BEFORE that. There is so much the Doctor's and nurses can do for you that makes you comfortable yet also prolongs your life. It's just a strange thing to deal with. It's made me more motivated to have a living will made out so that I can help my family if they are put into this situation with me. It's morbid to think about but necessary.
-=-
My Aunt is also doing low-carb and she basically said that because of all the stress of my granny in the hospital that she's not on plan because it's just too hard. It was really a slap in the face to me because I've said the same things in the past. I'm so good at finding reasons to support my wanting to cheat and when I heard her say that I realized how flimsy it sounded.
I can't control my Granny dying, or my Mom hurting, or anything like that but I CAN control what I put into my body. Strangely I've found it rather easy to stick to my guns and just eat on plan - even though I've WANTED to eat everything in site I knew it wouldn't make me feel better.
I feel so relieved by that realization. I feel like I'm actually moving forward in my growth.
Update: 1/30/2007
My Mom called this morning and said that Granny died last night. It's sad but at the same time I know it's for the best. The Dr. said that even if they'd gone through all the live-saving measures that her quality of life (if she survived) would have been very poor. Including requiring a tracheotomy and likely bed bound. She wouldn't have been happy and neither would we have been happy. It's for the best.
I think it's really for the best. She wasn't healthy and I'm fairly sure she wasn't happy so hopefully she's in a better place.
I'm down 15lbs for the month of Feb. I feel really good about that. I'm eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm satisfied - I'm also eating quality foods. Amazing how the pieces fall together so easily some times and not at all at others.
I'm also trying to cut down on my diet soda -- I just drink way too much. I still drink water too but a lot of soda too. I don't think it's good for me. I'm not cutting it out because I enjoy it but cutting it in half and that's good for now.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Two Steps Forward
I took a couple steps backward yesterday with my eating. I hadn't eaten much yesterday and then I took a brisk 30 minutes walk and when I got home I thought I was going to die. I've been doing <20>
I got home and collapsed on the couch for a couple hours then succumbed to pizza. I felt a lot better afterwards and even today so that's annoying. I hate that I felt better (physically) after eating carbs. I know it's my body and it's doing what it's supposed to but it's annoying me. I wanted to feel yucky and then it would be more of a reminder not to eat that way.
I think part of the problem wasn't so much that I've been doing low-carb but that I'm not really all that hungry. Between low-carb and my medication I really don't eat that much lately and despite my wanting of food because it smells or looks good I'm not actually hungry. Who'da thunk this would ever be a problem?
That said, I really wish I were hungry. I posted briefly about this in my question to Lani in another thread.
Now I need to figure out how to get rid of that weak feeling after moving my body and yet not get sucked into carbs.
I'm determined that I'm going to get this weight off for good because I'm worth more than all that weight and every pound I've ever gained or lost.
I think one of my struggles right now is the struggle between wanting all the weight off yesterday and knowing that I need to do this right so that it becomes a permanent part of my life and not just another "diet".
The more questions I answer the more questions I have ...
Update: 1/16/2007
What I've learned recently ... constantly testing your boundaries doesn't make you smarter, it just makes you dumb. :p
Last Monday I inhaled a few slices of pizza and some candy and my weight went up 3.5 lbs. I'm FINALLY back down to where I was pre-inhalation. I would have been back quicker but I'm constantly toeing the line and wondering why I'm not getting anywhere.
Why do I do this? Why do I not accept that I can't eat the way everyone else does and that my body can't tolerate it. Why must I put myself through this all the time? It's really crippling.
That said, I got a new SIGG water bottle. It's really nifty. It's made of aluminum so it doesn't leach into the water. Plus it's a pretty teal color. *G*
I like to think think I have been eating better lately because I'm not eating the junk and I'm eating lean proteins and vegetables and these are good things. It's the junk that I want which is why it's the junk I'm inhaling.
I have made some modifications to what I'm eating because I'm trying to make this a lifetime plan. I think when I start craving oatmeal there is something going on in my body and I need to listen to it. The problem is that it's a slippery slope for me. I don't seem to be able to just have that oatmeal and go on .. it's oatmeal, then it's a sandwich, then it's the sugar and junk and so on until I'm fully saturated again.
It's one of the reasons why I always struggled so much with NT. Even the "healthy" foods triggered all these mad responses in me and made me binge on foods that don't work for my body. Fruits and bread (even good Ezekiel bread) are the worst for me so I elected to cut them out because I knew how I reacted and I hate that I have to do that but it seems like the only way.
It's easier for me to have none than to limit it. Of course that does mean that every so often I veer off course and dive headfirst into pizza - it's almost always pizza btw.
I don't know, I'm just frustrated most of the time.
I got home and collapsed on the couch for a couple hours then succumbed to pizza. I felt a lot better afterwards and even today so that's annoying. I hate that I felt better (physically) after eating carbs. I know it's my body and it's doing what it's supposed to but it's annoying me. I wanted to feel yucky and then it would be more of a reminder not to eat that way.
I think part of the problem wasn't so much that I've been doing low-carb but that I'm not really all that hungry. Between low-carb and my medication I really don't eat that much lately and despite my wanting of food because it smells or looks good I'm not actually hungry. Who'da thunk this would ever be a problem?
That said, I really wish I were hungry. I posted briefly about this in my question to Lani in another thread.
Now I need to figure out how to get rid of that weak feeling after moving my body and yet not get sucked into carbs.
I'm determined that I'm going to get this weight off for good because I'm worth more than all that weight and every pound I've ever gained or lost.
I think one of my struggles right now is the struggle between wanting all the weight off yesterday and knowing that I need to do this right so that it becomes a permanent part of my life and not just another "diet".
The more questions I answer the more questions I have ...
Update: 1/16/2007
What I've learned recently ... constantly testing your boundaries doesn't make you smarter, it just makes you dumb. :p
Last Monday I inhaled a few slices of pizza and some candy and my weight went up 3.5 lbs. I'm FINALLY back down to where I was pre-inhalation. I would have been back quicker but I'm constantly toeing the line and wondering why I'm not getting anywhere.
Why do I do this? Why do I not accept that I can't eat the way everyone else does and that my body can't tolerate it. Why must I put myself through this all the time? It's really crippling.
That said, I got a new SIGG water bottle. It's really nifty. It's made of aluminum so it doesn't leach into the water. Plus it's a pretty teal color. *G*
I like to think think I have been eating better lately because I'm not eating the junk and I'm eating lean proteins and vegetables and these are good things. It's the junk that I want which is why it's the junk I'm inhaling.
I have made some modifications to what I'm eating because I'm trying to make this a lifetime plan. I think when I start craving oatmeal there is something going on in my body and I need to listen to it. The problem is that it's a slippery slope for me. I don't seem to be able to just have that oatmeal and go on .. it's oatmeal, then it's a sandwich, then it's the sugar and junk and so on until I'm fully saturated again.
It's one of the reasons why I always struggled so much with NT. Even the "healthy" foods triggered all these mad responses in me and made me binge on foods that don't work for my body. Fruits and bread (even good Ezekiel bread) are the worst for me so I elected to cut them out because I knew how I reacted and I hate that I have to do that but it seems like the only way.
It's easier for me to have none than to limit it. Of course that does mean that every so often I veer off course and dive headfirst into pizza - it's almost always pizza btw.
I don't know, I'm just frustrated most of the time.
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