The past couple days have been good. My breakfast and dinner have been healthy and I'm having whatever is at work for lunch. I feel that's a good middle ground.
I had a Doctors appointment today, it's been 6 months since I started taking the Metformin for PCOS. The nurse gave me some congrats for the 25lbs I've gotten rid of and that felt good.
The Doctor however .. is much harder to please. She basically told me that while it was good I did lose 25lbs but it wasn't good enough. While it was good that I was doing walking and yoga, it wasn't good enough. While it was good that I was eating more healthy, it wasn't good enough.
I really felt frustrated by this. I believe what I'm doing is great and yeah, maybe it's different than what you think should work for me but I'm happy with my choices and growing healthier every day. A co-worker said she'd probably find another Doctor if she said that to her and on one hand I can see why someone might but on the other hand, it's OK with me because I know I'm doing just fine.
I want to do this with the end in mind, not just today. I want to know that my efforts today are going to make me healthier for my life not just till the weight is gone. So many programs focus solely on getting the weight off and I really don't agree with that. I need to work on building a future with a solid foundation. You can't build a house without a foundation -- if you did, how could you expect it to stay upright for life?
I disagree with my Dr. I am doing good and I am going to succeed. She may not think it's good enough but I do. I actually feel like eating better and exercising and it's not for some asinine "buy into this program" reason but a genuine interest in my health.
I'll succeed and I will get all this weight off but it's on my body's timetable -- not mine.
So there. :p
Update: 6/28/2007
On one hand, I am upset about what the Doctor said but on the other, I've had the gentle type too and that didn't do me any good either.
I'm tossed on whether or not she believes in tough love or just doesn't care. I'm inclined to believe that she has a poor bedside manner and just doesn't understand the emotional aspect of being this large.
A lot of women would curl up and give up after being treated that way and yet there are some who will fight to prove her wrong. I think I'm one of the latter types. I want to do it my way and be successful and I know I'll do it. But I'm not all women, I've gone through a lot to get where I am and if you'd asked me 6 months ago I probably WOULDN'T be in this position.
If I were to change I think it'd be a bit like throwing out the baby with the bath water. She did pay a lot of attention to me and understand when I came to her with my issues and got the diagnosis of PCOS, so that's a huge plus. She is very intelligent but again, bedside manner is lacking. If I were less tough it might be harder to take but I think I'll stick with it. I don't hold any allusions about her, it's also entirely possible she was having a bad day.
I've discovered that I like taking yoga classes at work. I didn't think I'd feel comfortable taking classes with other people around but it's really not bad at all! I'm there for me and my needs, not to keep an eye on everyone else.
I'm going to take a pilates mat class at a local studio as a trial and see if I like the teacher. I may start taking some yoga and pilates classes at this studio. I'm really surprised that I like taking classes like this .. really surprised.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Food Jail
I found 'Breaking out of Food Jail' today at the used bookstore. What a fortuitous day! I also picked up two Geneen Roth books. I do like her perspective on eating. One of my favorite foods is, 'When you eat the refrigerator, pull up a chair'. It's a humorous book but has so much that is relevant to following an NT lifestyle.
I tend to war with myself and feel that I should be able to 'have it all' and that I should be able to eat anything I want and not have to worry about it. I always felt I could follow some NT principles and not all and make do but I don't think that's true anymore.
I'm tired of constantly thinking about food - whether my thoughts are positive or negative, it's just so tiresome nowadays. I want to wake up every day and not feel obsessed with food. I want so badly to feel content and light. I find it very difficult because you cannot escape the food labels.
Whether you are watching tv and someone says something about being naughty and eating ice-cream, or constantly having it drilled into that some foods are good and others are bad.
I think my biggest frustration with NT is that even Jean labels foods. She still throws diet rules into the mix by saying a diet comprised of 30% or less in fat is "good" and that one shouldn't eat too much fat. It feels so much like a diet rule. I get that research says a diet high in fat can be problematic but depending on the mood of the medical community that can be revoked on a whim, know what I mean?
I just feel so conflicted all the time.
I know that I can lose weight quickly/easily when I do low-carb but it makes me miserable and obsessed.
I can eat freely and live on a diet of fast food and junk and feel awful physically and live with guilt and anger but also with a feeling of joy and lack of restriction.
I just wonder why I feel that food is more important than I am. I go over this and over this and wonder why I choose food over health and vitality. Why choose obsession with food and dieting over freedom.
I really often feel stupid. I know NT is the right way and most likely the best way and yet I struggle to start. I struggle to make good food choices. It's easy for me to eat when I'm hungry and it's easy to stop when I'm full but the food itself is when I feel challenged.
I can eat well and feel good and yet give in to the pull of the pleasure foods and soon they overwhelm my regular eating and I'm back where I started.
How do you balance it all? How do you eat well and yet still enjoy all the foods the world has to offer? How do you do it?
There was a question in the food jail book about taking a pill for thinness but it would increase your risk for cancer ... do you know that I said I'd take it?
How scary is that... how stupid do you think it makes me feel to think I'd rather have cancer or more accurately, the possibility for cancer than deal with being obese. I know there isn't a magic pill.
I know that each path on NT is different and each person has to find their own way but damned if it isn't very very hard and painful. I know I should stop asking 'why me' and stop whining about what I don't have and practice gratitude a bit more and focus on what I do have but let me say that it's a real challenge. I guess that's what makes it worthwhile in the end though ...
I suppose this sums it up:
You can start with nothing, and out of nothing and out of no way, a way will be made.
-- Michael Bernard Beckwith
Update: 6/24/2007
I decided to start following NT today. I don't have my house prepared for it, meaning I don't have good available food, but I will go to the store after work.
This past week I've been doing the green smoothies (a.k.a. blended salads *G*) and have been very happy with them as my breakfast. Today though I made a change and added hemp protein and hemp seed to combine the need for more protein and efa's. I think that this will make the smoothies even better for me.
I tend to feel hungry 2 hours or less after I have one of these smoothies (not the ones with added hemp) and I feel guilty about it. I feel like I shouldn't be hungry so soon, especially since I just "ate" 32 ounces of smoothie which was comprised of 1 banana, a cup of frozen fruit, a huge handful of spring mix, 2 kale leaves and parsley.
I just feel like that should keep me satisfied and my body is being greedy or maybe it's just my mind, I don't know. It just feels wrong to eat so soon again.
One of the most interesting parts about reading the NT books is how I can relate to the stories in the books yet feel so sad for those in the books that have those problems. It's almost like I recognize on one level that I have a problem but on the other it's so far removed from me that I don't SEE that I am like them.
Later that day ...
I made my decision to go with NT and what happens today ... I start looking at things like SLD again.
I swear, every time I decide to "stop dieting" I get this huge renewed interest in everything I've done in the past. I suppose it's because I cling to what is familiar, even what is familiar hasn't always worked the way I expected it to work. Or because what is familiar is also easy on my mind, at least initially.
Blah.
I tend to war with myself and feel that I should be able to 'have it all' and that I should be able to eat anything I want and not have to worry about it. I always felt I could follow some NT principles and not all and make do but I don't think that's true anymore.
I'm tired of constantly thinking about food - whether my thoughts are positive or negative, it's just so tiresome nowadays. I want to wake up every day and not feel obsessed with food. I want so badly to feel content and light. I find it very difficult because you cannot escape the food labels.
Whether you are watching tv and someone says something about being naughty and eating ice-cream, or constantly having it drilled into that some foods are good and others are bad.
I think my biggest frustration with NT is that even Jean labels foods. She still throws diet rules into the mix by saying a diet comprised of 30% or less in fat is "good" and that one shouldn't eat too much fat. It feels so much like a diet rule. I get that research says a diet high in fat can be problematic but depending on the mood of the medical community that can be revoked on a whim, know what I mean?
I just feel so conflicted all the time.
I know that I can lose weight quickly/easily when I do low-carb but it makes me miserable and obsessed.
I can eat freely and live on a diet of fast food and junk and feel awful physically and live with guilt and anger but also with a feeling of joy and lack of restriction.
I just wonder why I feel that food is more important than I am. I go over this and over this and wonder why I choose food over health and vitality. Why choose obsession with food and dieting over freedom.
I really often feel stupid. I know NT is the right way and most likely the best way and yet I struggle to start. I struggle to make good food choices. It's easy for me to eat when I'm hungry and it's easy to stop when I'm full but the food itself is when I feel challenged.
I can eat well and feel good and yet give in to the pull of the pleasure foods and soon they overwhelm my regular eating and I'm back where I started.
How do you balance it all? How do you eat well and yet still enjoy all the foods the world has to offer? How do you do it?
There was a question in the food jail book about taking a pill for thinness but it would increase your risk for cancer ... do you know that I said I'd take it?
How scary is that... how stupid do you think it makes me feel to think I'd rather have cancer or more accurately, the possibility for cancer than deal with being obese. I know there isn't a magic pill.
I know that each path on NT is different and each person has to find their own way but damned if it isn't very very hard and painful. I know I should stop asking 'why me' and stop whining about what I don't have and practice gratitude a bit more and focus on what I do have but let me say that it's a real challenge. I guess that's what makes it worthwhile in the end though ...
I suppose this sums it up:
You can start with nothing, and out of nothing and out of no way, a way will be made.
-- Michael Bernard Beckwith
Update: 6/24/2007
I decided to start following NT today. I don't have my house prepared for it, meaning I don't have good available food, but I will go to the store after work.
This past week I've been doing the green smoothies (a.k.a. blended salads *G*) and have been very happy with them as my breakfast. Today though I made a change and added hemp protein and hemp seed to combine the need for more protein and efa's. I think that this will make the smoothies even better for me.
I tend to feel hungry 2 hours or less after I have one of these smoothies (not the ones with added hemp) and I feel guilty about it. I feel like I shouldn't be hungry so soon, especially since I just "ate" 32 ounces of smoothie which was comprised of 1 banana, a cup of frozen fruit, a huge handful of spring mix, 2 kale leaves and parsley.
I just feel like that should keep me satisfied and my body is being greedy or maybe it's just my mind, I don't know. It just feels wrong to eat so soon again.
One of the most interesting parts about reading the NT books is how I can relate to the stories in the books yet feel so sad for those in the books that have those problems. It's almost like I recognize on one level that I have a problem but on the other it's so far removed from me that I don't SEE that I am like them.
Later that day ...
I made my decision to go with NT and what happens today ... I start looking at things like SLD again.
I swear, every time I decide to "stop dieting" I get this huge renewed interest in everything I've done in the past. I suppose it's because I cling to what is familiar, even what is familiar hasn't always worked the way I expected it to work. Or because what is familiar is also easy on my mind, at least initially.
Blah.
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