Attachment to "Things"

I have a fear of becoming a hoarder. I have in the past had corners in my house that I couldn't tell you what was in them. They had a tendency to creep and grow outward and consume more space in my already limited home. I had many of these corners, so many that I ran out of corners and the creep would go alongside walls and eventually meet up with another corner.

Unlike a hoarder, I did not seem to have an emotional attachment to these things, I just didn't know what to do with them. I would go on binges of de-cluttering and I'd get rid of the paper goods and things I could easily throw away and then I'd feel a sense of relief and accomplishment and stop. I rarely touched my corners and unearthed the things in them.

I kept this fear of becoming a hoarder alive even though I didn't really have the symptoms.

I had an average sized 1 bedroom apartment. It had your typical bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen and a small off kitchen dining room which I used as an office. My apartment was full of stuff. It, to this day, amazes me how much stuff was in my apartment.

When it came time to move cross-country I had to become ruthless and face my corners.

I started with the bookshelves and anything that I didn't love was taken to the used bookstore and traded for cash. I bought book boxes to put all the remaining books into and then tackled my CDs next and boxed them up. I wanted to move the least amount possible as I was paying to ship them and didn't want to keep my habits, which is really what I think all my stuff was, "bad habits."

In the end after a great deal of help from family we ended up taking one pickup truck bed full, a couple vans full, and a flatbed trailer full of stuff to various charities. This did not include the items that I sold off like my bed, couch, bookshelves, etc.

All that was taken to charity was my old bad habits .. more commonly known as clutter or junk.

I ended up with 45 boxes that contained my life out of what would have been hundreds if I hadn't gotten rid of things. Yes, I do regret some of the things I no longer have but not seriously. They are things which can be replaced once I'm in a place where I have a bit more room but all in all, I don't miss them. I don't regret the ruthlessness in which I purged my home (and life).

I moved and was able to unpack most of my things in my new home with only a dozen or so boxes in storage for things that simply didn't fit like my Vita-Mix blender and ice-cream machine - things I wasn't willing to part with but have been unable to use in the past 9 months. Many of the things in storage are childhood things which I couldn't part with like my first cabbage patch doll or old school yearbooks. These were things that were irreplaceable. Even though they took up precious space and cluttered my home I kept them and now they sit in storage.

I feared becoming a hoarder when I had a small place filled with too many things and to this day I still fear it but I'm not sure why. Even after I pared my "life" down to such a small amount of boxes I still fear it. I think it is this fear that keeps me cleaning my home and constantly sifting through my belongings to find things to get rid of.

I practice this most with my clothing. I have about 10 days worth of outfits. I must do my laundry every week and I usually end up washing 75% of everything I own each week. If I buy something new I will generally pull something out of my closet and put in the charity bag. I have two bags right now ready to go. I should say that I don't spend much money on my clothes at all so I don't feel I'm being wasteful.

I recently went through my yarn and pulled out a garbage sack full of yarn to give away to charity. It's harder for me to part with my yarn because I had plans for most of it. I could SEE the projects I was going to make with it and I had such good hopes and yet I didn't do anything with it. I kept a lot of my yarn and I'm OK doing this process several times but for now, I have purged quite a bit and some others will benefit from what was growing dusty in my own home.

In the end, this yarn went to an in-patient facility for women recovering from drug/alcohol abuse. As part of their therapy they are taught to knit or crochet. It's something that helps keep them occupied and feel a sense of accomplishment. I took multiple bags of yarn (also donated by my knitting group) to this home and shared it with them. The joy that they had for this was incredible. I had previously felt much anxiety about the amount of yarn that I had and yet when I gave it to these women who had very little at all, I felt a sense of relief and joy that I'd been able to give something to them. I didn't regret any purchase I'd made any longer. I can't believe how amazing that felt to me. To let go of that guilt I had for having so much only because I was able to share it with those who didn't.

It's all part of a process of changing who I am in my life and the direction that I'm going. I made sweeping changes in my health and have moved on to other areas where I have blockage. I don't aspire to live in a sterile home but I do want to live in a neat, organized, and clean home. I don't want piles. Piles to me, represent waste and to a degree gluttony.

Having more than I need is a blessing and one I'm fortunate to be able to experience but having the ability to have more does not always mean one should have more. I want to live a life where I don't feel anxiety about the things that I own and enjoy them out in my home, not shoved in boxes in storage or in corners.

I don't think I'll ever be over my fear of being a hoarder but over the past year I've come to the realization that it's not always a bad thing to fear having too much stuff. It keeps me in line with my goals and desires and while it can at times be irrational it is useful to me.

I admit I did feel a tremendous sense of loss when I looked around my empty apartment with only those 45 boxes in it. It felt desolate and scary. I'd never had so little in my life. Yet the truth is, I still had too many things!

We don't always see the reality of our lives until we are forced to do so in situations we don't normally encounter. It is how you deal with those realities afterwards that makes the difference.

Gratitude

Gratitude may be a big word with big implications but gratitude doesn't have to be just about the big things. A life borne of gratitude for the small things paves the way for lives full of the big things to be grateful for.

In other words, the more you are grateful for the small things the more big things will come into your life to be grateful.

Yes, I'm saying that being grateful for the shoes you wear could potentially bring about being grateful for the yacht you own in the future.

How can this be?

Being grateful for everything regardless of its size or status fills your life with gratitude and it reflects outward and pulls things to you. They say that you aren't dealt anything bigger than you can handle so if you keep handling these small things with gratitude then you'll continue to reel in the big things and the rewards will continue to come because you can handle it.

Exercise

I was out walking the other day and had an epiphany. Oh yes, a REAL ONE.

Exercise isn't as solitary as you think it is. Sure, you may go for a walk on your own with nothing but your iPod but when you see someone else walking, running, or riding their bike they are right there beside you and supporting your efforts.

Even if they don't say a word to you.

Every person who is out doing something for their health at the time you are is part of your team.

We may have different motivations for being out there on the road but the final result is our health and well-being.

Next time you see someone walk, run, or bike past you, realize they are all rooting for you to succeed.

Fortune Favors the Aware

I think the Universe speaks to us in ways we may not realize. Or simply may not notice because we are wrapped in layers of worry, guilt, fear and stress.

If we go to the Chinese restaurant and our fortune cookie is empty* our minds leap to the negative that we have no fortune or luck. The flip side is that our future is undetermined and open for our interpretation.

It's more fun to bemoan our bad luck so that is what we do. It's even funny and something we pout about it and tell every new person we see. It's acceptable to us to speak of our negatives as though they are good.

It often takes a Universal slap upside the head to make us see something different.

Today I was driving to work and quickly descending into a pit of worry and stress about the day and what tomorrow would bring. I let it take over my thoughts and create a day for me that I hadn't started out with.

I was stopped behind a plumbing truck and they had a few quotes on the truck including this gem:

Relax. We'll take care of it.

It made me stop mid-freakout and smile. That's exactly what I needed to to do, relax and let the Universe resolve these issues for me.

So I took the advice and said thank you and continued on my way. Is it coincidence that every light was green after that? That I had a good parking spot? Or the last seat in my preferred section on the train was free? Maybe. But I choose to believe that the Universe was taking care of me because I was aware of its message.


*This happened to me yesterday and I did exactly what I wrote about.

2008 Redux

2008 was easily the most challenging and difficult year I’ve had in my life. That’s not to say that there weren’t high points but overall the bad seemed to outweigh the good.

Things that I learned over the course of the year:

• You can do everything perfectly and still lose
• Who you choose to be is infinitely better than trying to be someone else’s definition of right
• Constant and never-ending improvement may not be enough to fix a bad situation
• It’s OK to leave a bad situation
• Leaving doesn’t mean you’ve failed
• Sometimes dreams are best lived in your head
• There is no excuse to do something hurtful
• Family holds you together when everything else falls
• Trust is something earned
• Things you never thought you’d be able to do, you are when its right
• There is no limit to what the universe feels you are capable of handling
• You can’t be friends with your subordinates at work
• Betrayal cuts deep
• Doing what your boss tells you is right, isn’t always right

Each one of these things has a story to tell but I don’t believe telling the story is going to make the outcome any different or the lessons I learned more important.

The year started off on a high note and then crept very slowly down to the depths of low. It oscillated between high and low throughout the year, making the year feel manic depressive.

It was in October that things went truly sideways. I had major surgery (which, believe it or not, was a high point) and returned to work and was told that the position I’d held before was no longer available to me. My entire team had been moved to other teams and I would just have to deal with it. Three weeks after returning to work I was laid off.

The upside of being laid off is that I have the opportunity to find a new place, a happier place. I have some time now to continue recovering from surgery and figure out what I want to do with my life.

I can’t begrudge them for letting me go. I was pretty miserable there and it was in all honesty, a pretty miserable place to work (at least in the past year). But at the same time, it’s difficult not to feel that all my hard work did nothing for me in the end (except how it made ME feel).

I’ve had lessons aplenty and now it’s time to put them into action and continue to learn and grow.

Book Reading

I have come across several posts that discuss the author's favorite books or recommended reading. The books are usually fiction - though one list is non-fiction.

I must admit that I haven't read many of them (I'll post the links below). In some ways I feel the urge to run out and get all the books and read them, a compulsion if you must.

I admire those who read passionately of the classics and modern fiction. It amazes me when people say they've read The Great Gatsby and The Catcher in the Rye and found them to be life altering. Frankly they bored me and I didn't get it. Maybe I was too young, maybe I didn't read into it enough, or maybe it just didn't "work" for me. I tend to question myself and think it's an inadequacy on my part when I don't get the same thing that others have gotten. Books are an eternal failing of mine it seems.

I have much more affinity for non-fiction books than fiction. Perhaps it's because I prefer dealing in the details and straight-forwardness of real things, versus imaginary places.

Oddly enough, I want to be a Librarian and I write fiction. Go figure.

On to the lists ...

50 Amazing and Essential Novels to Enrich Your Life
20 Amazing and Essential Non-fiction Books to Enrich Your Library
100 Must-Read Books: The Essential Man’s Library
30 Books Everyone Should Read Before Their 30th Birthday
TIME magazine’s All-Time Greatest 100 Novel


These lists are largely repeats of each other. Everyone has to wax poetic in their own way about how these books changed their life.

I just may have to post a list of books that may not have changed my life but were influential to me or at least memorable (the good kind of memories).

Pulling Mozzarella

Catchy title eh?

That's what I learned to do last night .. pull mozzarella. It's something I've long wanted to do and finally had the opportunity to do so. It was quite fun in a very hands on way. Watching the mozza curds transform into a doughy like substance that can then be molded into shapes and then eaten was really interesting. It reminded me of a quote about not knowing the strength of a lady until you dipped her in hot water.

I enjoy food .. quite a bit, probably too much but alas, that is a part of who I am. I've never been one to enjoy cooking though I love to read, watch, and learn new techniques.

I've been cooking more at home in an attempt to spend less money eating out and to clean up my food intake. If I cook at home I can control what is going in my food and ideally it should be better than processed food.

I've been making a lot of pasta dishes in my Wolfgang Puck 5-Cup Rice Cooker -- which is an amazing tool for my kitchen. It's easy to throw a can of broth, two cups of noodles, and 2 cups of sauce in it and let it go. 20 minutes later I've got a hot meal that is perfectly cooked -- all for $25. Not bad eh? I've made macaroni & cheese, risotto, one pot pastas, lemon custard, rice pudding and of course, rice in this machine. I end used it to cook a pre-packaged "skillet" meal that I found in the frozen aisle.

Granted, I usually have cheese in my meals and the mac & cheese has cream in it in addition to the cheese so on a fat content level it's not the best meal to have with any regularity but I'm still of the belief that it's better than a fast food meal.

My brother shared a recipe with me yesterday and it sounded delicious so we decided that it would be tonight's dinner. Amazingly I didn't make it in the rice cooker .. though I am thinking of trying it later on.

Heidi has one again posted a great recipe on 101 Cookbooks titled Lively Up Yourself Lentil Soup. I've always enjoyed lentils when I've had them but never made them at home. I have no idea why beyond pure laziness.

Assembly was fairly quick and painless. I like that in a meal. One of the best aspects of this soup was thinking of the possibilities for the next pot. Perhaps a little sausage like a chorizo or linguicia would add more depth (the meal is vegetarian to start with) or things like adding a can of spicy tomatoes for flavor. The list goes on and add. I will definitely add more kale next time as I didn't add enough this time, barely two cups I think.

The saffron yogurt wasn't bad but it wasn't so great that I'd bother with it next time. For one, saffron isn't cheap and two, I don't always have yogurt on hand. But, other than that the meal can be a pantry basic for me which is another plus.

Speaking of pluses -- Jamie Oliver has a new show called Jamie at Home which I believed premiered today on FoodTV. I credit him with getting my brother and I interested in cooking. We always cooked out of necessity but not out of any great interest in it.

I still don't really LIKE to cook but I'm finding it more and more satisfying as I go along.

Speaking of going along .. I threw a batch of rice into my cooker after dinner was over and tomorrow I'll have lentils and rice for lunch. How's that for yummy leftovers?

The next recipe I'm going to try is Ultimate Chickpea Noodle Soup -- one can never eat too many chickpeas in life. Reminds me of a friend from Australia who visited and we were trying to determine what to have for dinner and we asked if he had any dislikes and what pops out of his mouth but Chickpeas .. completely random thing to list as something you didn't like especially considering that most food in the US doesn't have it in it. You'll find it in a lot of Indian food but even then ... I always smile when I think of chickpeas now, he was such a sweet person.

I think that's enough for now ... thanks Heidi @ 101 for inspiring me to cook more.

Who We Are

Over the past months I've gone through things in my life that I wish I never had to go through - things that nobody should go through. It's not as dire as it sounds, but it certainly tests a person.
I was listening to Lifehouse this morning and heard these lyrics:

Cause we break
And we burn
And we turn it inside out
To take it back
To the start
And through the rise and falling apart
We discover who we are

It's through all these events in life that we learn and grow, becoming who we are. I didn't want to go through these events in my life, I don't want anyone to have to do that, but I learned who I was and that I was and am a better person for going through these things.

I learned some of the following about myself:

I have integrity
I have the power to invoke change even when it seems there is nothing I can do
I am a caring person who wants to bring the best to my life and the life of others
I'm much stronger than I ever realized
I am capable

The most important thing I realized though is that I am worth it. Yes yes, that last bit sounds like a Pantene commercial but I am worth it. I'm worth fighting for and I'm worth improving and growing.

So are you.

Heard on the Radio

I came across this gem last night:

The truth is, Every man dies
Not every man lives*

I can't say that I've heard anything lately that I agree with more ...

We forget to live in this life we've got and then we wonder:

Is this as good as it gets?**


-=-

* Jason Aldean - Not Every Man Lives
** Melvin Udall in As Good as it Gets

Advice from the Hairdresser

Last night I had my hair shaped a bit and I was asking the hairdresser which she preferred to cut: short or long hair.

She said it didn't matter to her and then she said something that seemed, at the time, random, but makes sense.

She said, "You have to take risks in life and take chances on things. There's always time for it and you might really get something you like out of it."

It felt at the time like I'd stepped into a sort of self-help novel but it was good advice. Of course, she meant it in terms of having long hair and cutting it short but it really made me think.

There are a lot of things in life that I don't take chances on. I just skirt around them and try to manipulate them into being more comfortable to me instead of jumping in feet first. I don't trust myself enough to just DO.

I meet people that seem fearless, they do anything that comes their way without question. I meet others so locked in their fear that they do nothing at all.

Is it possible to be fearless but not reckless?

20 Random Things

1) I sleep with a stocking cap on in the winter, you lose a lot of body heat from your head and this keeps me warm.

2) I have traveled cross-country in a semi-truck with two adults, two children, and a cat (I was one of the kids). The cat was never the same afterwards ......

3) I've eaten at Thomas Keller's 'French Laundry', which is easily the most expensive meal I've eaten and was a year long wait for a reservation.

4) I've walked across 5 feet of hot coals without burning my feet.

5) I've never had a speeding ticket.

6) I was born in Las Vegas but have never gambled.

7) I dislike parking on streets with parking meters and will park further away to avoid them.

8) I won't eat at the same place place two days in a row because I don't want them to recognize me. ;)

9) If I purposefully go shopping somewhere, I won't wear clothes that have been purchased at that store.

10) I've lived in Arizona, California, Minnesota, Nevada, and Texas.

11) I once took a typing test with only one word on the test: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

12) I used to use my library card so much that I memorized the barcode number on the card and would check out books that way instead of with the card.

13) My right hand is always colder than my left -- blame it on the mouse?

14) My second favorite movie is 'When Harry Met Sally'.

15) My Father was 17 years old when my Mother was born.

16) I don't like seafood (crab, lobster, etc) but enjoy fish.

17) I've been to (and enjoyed) an all-women's nude spa.

18) I have a red car, two red purses, and red shoes but never wear the color red in clothes.

19) I've been to at least 40 of the 50 states.

20) Despite my age, I didn't see the Star Wars movies until they were re-released to theaters in the mid-90's.

Smoooooothie

Right now, my favorite smoothie is Banana-Raspberry.

2-4 bananas (2 large, 4 small, 3 med, etc)
1/2 cup raspberries (I use frozen)
1/2 cup water

Blend.
Inhale.

The raspberries really cut the sweetness of the bananas and make the texture not as "banana-y". It's also a gorgeous pink color.

Normally I don't drink smoothies without greens but am trying a few new recipes. Another one I'll be trying is Banana-Mint which is just bananas and mint. It sounds tasty in a strange way.

-=-

Work is dissatisfying. I'm trying to make it a good place for me and some days are such a struggle. In the grand scheme of things, I don't want to leave and start over but there are moments (a lot of them!) where I feel I have no choice. I just wonder if I'll ever find a place that I can be happy at. Am I asking too much?

-=-

I used the Inbox Zero method on both my personal and work email inboxes. They look a bit bare now .. it feels nice on one hand and scary on another. Anyway, going to work on keeping it that way - though I've never felt I have a problem with email. I'm the type of person (always have been) where if I haven't touched it in a couple months I'd delete it. Now I'm just going to accelerate that a bit.

Of course, using gmail for everything means that nothing is really deleted. It's just not viewable in the main box. If I need it, I can retrieve it. On one hand, I had to say that it's an interesting way to handle email (the way gmail does) but it is really wasteful too. Who needs gigs of email?

Crazy.

This all goes along with my annual nesting months where I get the itch to clean and organize my house. My goal this year though is to KEEP my house clean and organized. Every year I go through this phase where I start doing Flylady and I get into habits of cleaning and then one by one they drop by the wayside and I'm back where I started.

I really do like having a clean and organized house, it feels really good but I don't like doing it all the time. What I don't get about myself is that if I follow Flylady, I'll spend LESS time cleaning overall even though I'm doing it on a daily basis than if I just crisis clean when I finally get fed up.

The psychology of change and habits must be an interesting field of study. I found a website the other day Unclutterer which in some ways makes me giddy with "oooh pretty!" and terror "oh my god how can they live like that!" I've grown up in a house that was clean but cluttered. My Mom has always had a lot of stuff and in turn, I have a lot of stuff.

I find it interesting that when I see a very clean house with no clutter (see some of the above in Unclutterer) my first instinct is to shun it and think that people can't live that way, to think that it wouldn't be comfortable to go to that house, or that I'd be terrified of messing something up. It's the opposite of my house and I'm not happy with my house, yet the extreme side feels uncomfortable to. Is there a middle-ground where you can have a home that is clean and de-clutered but not completely void of personality?

Or is lack of stuff personality too? Just a very different one ...

Over the past few years I've gotten rid of a lot of stuff and picked up some healthier homekeeping habits but not enough and I continue to work on this project.

I think the crux of the problem is that I believe on some level that having stuff in my home means I have the ability to have stuff. It's asserting on some level that I'm human and this is how I show it. Even people without homes, bagladies and the like have stuff. It's like I'm saying to the world, "Look, here is my stuff. I work hard for it and I have lots of it." I think this all goes hand-in-hand with debt too, at least in my case. I have debt and I have clutter. Or is it that I have debt and as a result have clutter?

This week, the Fly Zone is the kitchen. I have the least amount of work to do here but I'm going to tackle the dining room since it's technically a part of the kitchen. *G*

Productivity

Today was a productive day .. last night was too. I found a bunch of new blogs about being more organized and productive. I think they'll help a lot.

I feel as though there is so much more I could be doing in the typical day and I don't get it accomplished - for whatever reason. I want to do the mundane things that should be done and enjoy my time too.

Today I finally took all those bags of clothes to the Goodwill. I cleaned out my drawers and closets months back but just piled them all up and left them to sit and gather dust. It's stupid how easy it was to put them in bags and take them to the Goodwill. I just don't understand why it takes me so long to DO things, particularly when it comes to my house.

I'm going to get back into Flylady again. It's the only thing I've tried in the past that had SOME effect on my households cleanliness. I just try to do too much and then when I can't keep up with my own expectations I give up entirely.

Babysteps is what the flylady says and yet I never seem to GET that ...

Tonight, cleaning the sink out .. I always do like it when my sink is clean.

Today I also cleaned out all the recyclables that were taking up space in my kitchen. I think that if you ignore things long enough you cease to see them. I certainly think that's the case with these things because they've been gathering for months and I just keep piling more on top of them. I'd rather be doing one of my hobbies than cleaning my house, yet at this point I'm embarrassed to have anybody come visit. When Ryan was here a couple weeks ago I didn't want him to come into my house but I sucked it up and let him in, profusely apologizing all the the way.

I don't like that feeling. Flylady says it's, 'CHAOS - Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome' -- man is it ever chaos in here.

Aisle of Doom

Last night I went to the store and it took me 5 minutes to figure out what kind of bread to buy. 5 minutes!

I stood there looking at every option and tried to find which was the best choice. Did I want the nuts & seeds, the highest fiber, lowest carbs, etc. It's been a really really long time since I've just bought the bread I wanted to eat and not paid to attention to the nutritional information.

I was really frustrated with myself for not being able to make such a simple choice. It felt like I was trying to decide my life's career -- no wait, that was a little easier.

I ended up getting mad at myself for my inability to just choose a stupid loaf of bread and so I just grabbed the cheapy bread, which makes great grilled cheese sandwiches, and left the aisle. I'm happy with my choice though because I like that kind of bread and it makes all sandwiches good.

Whereas ezekiel, which is something else I enjoy, is only good for certain types of sandwiches so it feels limited to me and why should I buy bread that only works for certain things? It seems strange ...

Bread aisle conquered .. for now.

Regarding the quality famine, I definitely agree it's way easier to think it's the amount of food being taken in rather than the type of food.

I understand that quality plays an important role but there is still a very large part of my head that doesn't believe that food is as big an issue as mindset. Meaning, if I can just trust that my body knows what it is doing and feed it when it asks, that the quality of food shouldn't matter because at some point my body will kick in and tell me what it needs.

Geneen Roth gives the example of how she ate chocolate chip cookies and cookie dough for 14 days straight because that's what she wanted and then on the 15th day she wanted broccoli or some such food.

I suppose I'm still trying to have the best of both worlds. I'm still clinging to the fact that one can "have it all", meaning eating what they want as long as they eat in accordance to their body.

That said, I'm shifting back into my real food phase w here the junk food doesn't appeal as much. I think I just go to extremes too much which is why I bounce around. Like right now, if I could just maintain this balance of eating some junk but wanting good food instead of feeling I must dive into eating all good food I think I'd be better off. But it seems as though I must go to extremes.

Today was a good day though. I feel mentally more relaxed and let me just say that I looked really hot today. *G* I'm wearing my favorite jeans and honestly, I look damn good and I love those days. I have them a lot actually but it never fails to make me happy when I see myself in the mirror ( room sized mirror no less ) and think about how good I look.

I think that's the one downside of reading these self-help books. On one side they give you perspective on how it is for others but the downside/flip side is that they can make you start to over analyze yourself and compare yourself and even be more harsh.

I've come a LONG way in the past two years in figuring out who I am and what I want. I realize that I'll never look like everyone else but that's OK because there are a lot of women out there that even though they are thin, look like death. My cousin is one of them, she had the gastric bypass and she always looks like she's one step away from dying and yeah, she's thin but at what price?

So today was a good day .. I tried to slow down when I ate so that I could pay more attention to how I was feeling and just mindlessly eat whatever portion I'd served myself. It seemed to work out well. I tend to eat and read and when I do that, one of two things happens .. I either eat really slowly and still eat it all or I eat really fast/mindless and eat it all. I think I need to combine the slowing down part and the paying attention part and see what I get.

Anyway, it's a process, an evolution if you will and I think it's a good thing.

I think though one of the more discouraging things is to re-read this journal and see the highs and lows I've had in the past 9 months. I don't have all the answers, I've never had all the answers, but now I think I've got the faith to take it one step at a time instead of trying to traverse the entire journey in one giant step.

WARNING

Warning: this is REALLY long and rambling.

I finished reading 'Breaking out of Food Jail' last night and something really struck me .. you can be in a quality famine as much as a quantity famine.

I don't think I ever picked up that bit from NT before or if it was even written since I seem to have lost my NT book *again*. Of all the books I own, I spend more time looking for that book than any other book I own.

Anyway, I never really consider what I do on a daily basis as a diet so I never really identified with the quantity famine since I tend to eat a lot all the time. The only times I don’t eat a lot are when I’m officially dieting. Even when I low-carb I still eat plenty of food, just not of all foods. I don’t feel hungry when doing low-carb, only deprived.

What really got me was the quality famine. I'm frequently eating foods that aren't quality foods. I eat plenty of food and yet I don't eat great foods. I never thought that was a problem, I assumed that when I was eating what I term "normal" that I was in what most would consider a feast but I'm beginning to think that isn't the case.

I only saw two sides of the coin: feast or famine.

When I do low-fat or low-carb I end up bingeing (I suppose that’s what it’s called) on sweet fatty foods to compensate for what I’m not getting in my daily eating. I eat what I want for a day or two and then I’m able to get back on the plan. The problem is that I can only stay on plan for 3 months at the most and then I don’t get back on the plan from one of my binges.

I have such negative connotations with the word binge so I don’t like to use it. I don’t feel that I’m like those in the NT books or in Geneen Roth’s books. I don’t feel like what I do is binge. I don’t eat a carton of ice-cream, a box of cookies, a bag of chips etc, in one sitting. I often felt confused about this because how could I have an “eating disorder” when I didn’t DO what those people had done?

A typical day of food for me, when eating normal and in my ‘I don’t care’ phase goes something like this, at least lately:

Cereal with full fat milk – one of the single serve kinds, we have them at work. Sometimes I’ll have a banana with it if have one. I like the raisin bran. Or I’ll make a grilled cheese sandwich and maybe a yogurt.

Lots of mineral water during the day and a couple diet sodas. I have snacks through the day sometimes like a bag of chips, or mini candy bars. Not every day though.

Lunch will be something at the sushi place like california rolls and miso soup, a burrito bowl (about ½ of it), two slices of pizza, or a sandwich depending on what was catered. If there is a dessert offered, I will almost always take one or two.

Dinner lately has been some frozen entrée and then a large amount of ice-cream with magic shell on it. I will go through a quart of ice-cream in three days. If not a frozen meal then I’ll have a combo from a fast food place with French fries and a burger of some sort. I almost always drink diet soda and rarely upsize the combo.

I don’t always eat everything on my place. Sometimes I leave one bite and sometimes I leave ten, it really has no rhyme or reason.

I don’t feel I’m not eating enough. I don’t feel I’m bingeing either. I just feel I’m eating “normal” and similar to what everyone else eats.

I have days when I feel like my eating is out of control and I can’t stop eating but not as often anymore.

I suppose there are levels of bingeing and that what I do is bingeing for me, particularly when I have so much ice-cream on top of a full stomach, even though it makes my stomach hurt and gives me gas. *G*

I would normally consider my everyday eating as ‘feasting’ but I realized that I do still put limits on what I eat, even subconsciously.

I will only take a half sandwich or half a burrito that is offered. I will eat all or most of it but I rarely take another half. I tell myself I don’t need it. I almost always eat all the sweets that I can but limit the good foods. I don’t like to be seen eating a lot of food, that’s something I’ve noticed a lot recently. Another girl at work is my size or larger and she eats 3x what I eat and I wonder how she can do it. She says she’s that hungry and I don’t understand how she can be that hungry.

I think I’m more tied up in servings and portions, right and wrong, that I thought I was.

I’m guessing that I’m more in quality famine than feasting most of the time and I vacillate between quantity and quality with every meal.

If I truly was feasting then I wouldn’t be conscious of what others thought and I would eat as much as I wanted.

-=-

I think one of the hardest things to do is determine if what you are doing is because you want to do it and because you were told it was good to do.

Who Knew?

Life has been busy at work. I'm learning more and more every day about being a good manager. It's really challenging to me and some days I wonder why I wanted to be a manager in the first place. *G*

I think the hardest part is not beating yourself up over things that you can't control. I have an employee who challenges me so much and I feel as though I'm failing her because I'm not able to get her to see what she's got inside her. I feel as though if she leaves the company, and she's on thin ice, that I will have failed. I know that we can't change people and we can only be a positive influence and that she makes her own choices. But I will always wonder if I could have done more.

But, at what point is too much?

I think that being a manager is easily the hardest thing I've ever done -- it's even harder than changing my own beliefs which I thought was pretty difficult!

I like the challenge though. I appreciate the opportunities that I have and I'm happy that I am successful at it, even when it's tough.

The Doctor is In

The past couple days have been good. My breakfast and dinner have been healthy and I'm having whatever is at work for lunch. I feel that's a good middle ground.

I had a Doctors appointment today, it's been 6 months since I started taking the Metformin for PCOS. The nurse gave me some congrats for the 25lbs I've gotten rid of and that felt good.

The Doctor however .. is much harder to please. She basically told me that while it was good I did lose 25lbs but it wasn't good enough. While it was good that I was doing walking and yoga, it wasn't good enough. While it was good that I was eating more healthy, it wasn't good enough.

I really felt frustrated by this. I believe what I'm doing is great and yeah, maybe it's different than what you think should work for me but I'm happy with my choices and growing healthier every day. A co-worker said she'd probably find another Doctor if she said that to her and on one hand I can see why someone might but on the other hand, it's OK with me because I know I'm doing just fine.

I want to do this with the end in mind, not just today. I want to know that my efforts today are going to make me healthier for my life not just till the weight is gone. So many programs focus solely on getting the weight off and I really don't agree with that. I need to work on building a future with a solid foundation. You can't build a house without a foundation -- if you did, how could you expect it to stay upright for life?

I disagree with my Dr. I am doing good and I am going to succeed. She may not think it's good enough but I do. I actually feel like eating better and exercising and it's not for some asinine "buy into this program" reason but a genuine interest in my health.

I'll succeed and I will get all this weight off but it's on my body's timetable -- not mine.

So there. :p

Update: 6/28/2007

On one hand, I am upset about what the Doctor said but on the other, I've had the gentle type too and that didn't do me any good either.

I'm tossed on whether or not she believes in tough love or just doesn't care. I'm inclined to believe that she has a poor bedside manner and just doesn't understand the emotional aspect of being this large.

A lot of women would curl up and give up after being treated that way and yet there are some who will fight to prove her wrong. I think I'm one of the latter types. I want to do it my way and be successful and I know I'll do it. But I'm not all women, I've gone through a lot to get where I am and if you'd asked me 6 months ago I probably WOULDN'T be in this position.

If I were to change I think it'd be a bit like throwing out the baby with the bath water. She did pay a lot of attention to me and understand when I came to her with my issues and got the diagnosis of PCOS, so that's a huge plus. She is very intelligent but again, bedside manner is lacking. If I were less tough it might be harder to take but I think I'll stick with it. I don't hold any allusions about her, it's also entirely possible she was having a bad day.

I've discovered that I like taking yoga classes at work. I didn't think I'd feel comfortable taking classes with other people around but it's really not bad at all! I'm there for me and my needs, not to keep an eye on everyone else.

I'm going to take a pilates mat class at a local studio as a trial and see if I like the teacher. I may start taking some yoga and pilates classes at this studio. I'm really surprised that I like taking classes like this .. really surprised.

Food Jail

I found 'Breaking out of Food Jail' today at the used bookstore. What a fortuitous day! I also picked up two Geneen Roth books. I do like her perspective on eating. One of my favorite foods is, 'When you eat the refrigerator, pull up a chair'. It's a humorous book but has so much that is relevant to following an NT lifestyle.

I tend to war with myself and feel that I should be able to 'have it all' and that I should be able to eat anything I want and not have to worry about it. I always felt I could follow some NT principles and not all and make do but I don't think that's true anymore.

I'm tired of constantly thinking about food - whether my thoughts are positive or negative, it's just so tiresome nowadays. I want to wake up every day and not feel obsessed with food. I want so badly to feel content and light. I find it very difficult because you cannot escape the food labels.

Whether you are watching tv and someone says something about being naughty and eating ice-cream, or constantly having it drilled into that some foods are good and others are bad.

I think my biggest frustration with NT is that even Jean labels foods. She still throws diet rules into the mix by saying a diet comprised of 30% or less in fat is "good" and that one shouldn't eat too much fat. It feels so much like a diet rule. I get that research says a diet high in fat can be problematic but depending on the mood of the medical community that can be revoked on a whim, know what I mean?

I just feel so conflicted all the time.

I know that I can lose weight quickly/easily when I do low-carb but it makes me miserable and obsessed.

I can eat freely and live on a diet of fast food and junk and feel awful physically and live with guilt and anger but also with a feeling of joy and lack of restriction.

I just wonder why I feel that food is more important than I am. I go over this and over this and wonder why I choose food over health and vitality. Why choose obsession with food and dieting over freedom.

I really often feel stupid. I know NT is the right way and most likely the best way and yet I struggle to start. I struggle to make good food choices. It's easy for me to eat when I'm hungry and it's easy to stop when I'm full but the food itself is when I feel challenged.

I can eat well and feel good and yet give in to the pull of the pleasure foods and soon they overwhelm my regular eating and I'm back where I started.

How do you balance it all? How do you eat well and yet still enjoy all the foods the world has to offer? How do you do it?

There was a question in the food jail book about taking a pill for thinness but it would increase your risk for cancer ... do you know that I said I'd take it?

How scary is that... how stupid do you think it makes me feel to think I'd rather have cancer or more accurately, the possibility for cancer than deal with being obese. I know there isn't a magic pill.

I know that each path on NT is different and each person has to find their own way but damned if it isn't very very hard and painful. I know I should stop asking 'why me' and stop whining about what I don't have and practice gratitude a bit more and focus on what I do have but let me say that it's a real challenge. I guess that's what makes it worthwhile in the end though ...

I suppose this sums it up:

You can start with nothing, and out of nothing and out of no way, a way will be made.
-- Michael Bernard Beckwith

Update: 6/24/2007

I decided to start following NT today. I don't have my house prepared for it, meaning I don't have good available food, but I will go to the store after work.

This past week I've been doing the green smoothies (a.k.a. blended salads *G*) and have been very happy with them as my breakfast. Today though I made a change and added hemp protein and hemp seed to combine the need for more protein and efa's. I think that this will make the smoothies even better for me.

I tend to feel hungry 2 hours or less after I have one of these smoothies (not the ones with added hemp) and I feel guilty about it. I feel like I shouldn't be hungry so soon, especially since I just "ate" 32 ounces of smoothie which was comprised of 1 banana, a cup of frozen fruit, a huge handful of spring mix, 2 kale leaves and parsley.

I just feel like that should keep me satisfied and my body is being greedy or maybe it's just my mind, I don't know. It just feels wrong to eat so soon again.

One of the most interesting parts about reading the NT books is how I can relate to the stories in the books yet feel so sad for those in the books that have those problems. It's almost like I recognize on one level that I have a problem but on the other it's so far removed from me that I don't SEE that I am like them.

Later that day ...

I made my decision to go with NT and what happens today ... I start looking at things like SLD again.

I swear, every time I decide to "stop dieting" I get this huge renewed interest in everything I've done in the past. I suppose it's because I cling to what is familiar, even what is familiar hasn't always worked the way I expected it to work. Or because what is familiar is also easy on my mind, at least initially.

Blah.

Feeling Good

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I've been eating my new meals for a couple days now and it's such a load off my mind to wake up every day or come home at night and know that good food is ready and available.

One of the things I've struggled with in the past, and I'm trying to avoid doing now, is trying to do everything at once. I'm feeling better emotionally so I want EVERYTHING to be good from eating, to keeping my house clean, being organized, and even working out.

I have such difficulty in just trying one thing at a time and waiting until I get comfortable before adding something else. I'm sure I'm not the only one!

My friend Linda is doing the MORE workouts and to some degree feel that if she can do it, so can I so I've been reading all this stuff today about T-Tapp and trying to find my MORE workout and just feeling some sort of competitiveness and I don't really understand why. I'm happy she's doing the workout and happy she's in the place where she's ready for it -- I just feel like I should be there too.

I think that partially I'm scared of losing this wave that I'm on, this feeling good and wanting to get things done wave that I have to try and do it all or I'll feel as though I'm not doing enough.

I tell ya, sometimes I write what is going on and I feel so confused and messed up and then some times everything is very clear. I really wish I could stabilize and get to that middle-ground where I understand and can do what is best, not necessarily what everyone else (meaning media, doctors, well intentioned people) think is right, does that make sense?

I am going to start a cleanse (probably 3 months total) using the DrNatura.com products (Colonix). I decided to do this in addition to eating better as building blocks. If I get my foundation ready then I should be able to build onto it. Maybe once my foundation is stronger, things will be clearer to me.

Update: 6/18/2007

I discovered that even when the food is already prepared that it doesn't solve the problems. I canceled the DTG service. I wonder if I'll ever find some mix of things that works for me.

I enjoy eating 'le junque' - perhaps too much but I added in a yummy smoothie this morning. I'm hoping that adding those back in will start to even out the way I eat.

As Time Goes By

OK, it's been a few weeks since I last posted, my how time flies?

My work life has been keeping me on my toes. Back in December I was made a team lead of two people and life was good .. this month things evolved and I'm not officially the manager but it'll work into that soon enough and I'll be in charge of 8 people. Phew. It's a really good thing but it stresses me out at times. I have high expectations of myself and I also expect others to have those same expectations of THEIR self and it doesn't always work out that way. It's a challenging and rewarding experience though and I've worked hard to get to this spot and I'm happy I'm here and present in life to experience it.

Here's what has been going on, this was posted on another forum, for those doing a low-carb plan:

Let's see .. what have I been up to? I've been getting my mind straight. I had a tendency to obsess about things that I was dealing with and in that I would be consumed by thoughts of it. In this case, it was dieting. If I was dieting that was ALL I was doing. I was not able to "diet" and not be obsessed with it. I needed to post multiple times a day, read about dieting, think about dieting, and just BE a dieter. I was not able to be Tracey who happened to be dieting. I was that way about everything. I said that I was an all or nothing person and that I was not able to DO something, I had to BE it. I hope that makes sense.

Essentially by not posting on this board I put my obsessions on a diet.

I have been studying the law of attraction (as seen on Oprah, a show called 'The Secret') and it has really really changed my life and my thinking. I realized that by obsessing about dieting and my debt that I was doing nothing but putting out that energy into the world and bringing more of it to me. I was so miserable. I hated everything about my life. I was never happy.

I started changing by using gratitude as my focus. I started every day and ended every night with a list of all the things I was grateful for. Everything from the fact that I got to walk outside in the sun to the fact that my car started and my skin was clear. It didn't matter how big or small or even how seemingly insignificant, I was grateful for it.

Yesterday I had an epiphany .. I love my life. For the first time in my life I can honestly and whole heartedly say that I love myself and I love my life. I've never felt that way before and it's really awesome to feel it! I feel such joy now. I feel like I'm going in the right direction.

One of the ideas that The Secret teaches is that food is not what makes us fat - it is our "fat thoughts". I know that when I was dieting and obsessing, I had nothing but fat thoughts! I believed that everything I ate was making me fat. The book says to think on the people who say things like, "I can eat anything I want and never gain weight." Previously I would just be so angry and jealous because *I* couldn't do that, I would retort, "wow I wish I was that way because everything I eat goes straight to my ass!"

Well guess what .. it did! I asked it to, I gave it an engraved invitation! No wonder I was so miserable!

The book talks about the story of the genie in the bottle who gives you wishes, whatever you ask for it responds with 'Your Wish is My Command'. Everything I ask for in life I get - whether I realize I've asked or not.

Anyway, I completely went off Kimkims the day I left here and I've been feeling good about it. I'm working on my attitude about food instead of attacking the food itself. I think that how I perceive it is going to do far more for me than what I eat. That said, I do plan to get back on track and eat foods that are better for me because a life of junk does not make my body run smooth. It's like putting regular gas into a sports car, it works but not well.

-=-

I'm not sure right now if I'm going to get back to Kimkins or if I'm just going to keep going the way I am right now. On one hand, I felt better physically when eating Kimkins but emotionally I was miserable. I spent all my time thinking about dieting that I just was consumed by it and that wasn't healthy for me. I have been wanting to find a middle-ground that I was happy with - eating better/lower carb but still not going all the way. It's difficult because in the past I've been an "all or nothing" person and I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't like obsessing with my diet. If I come here and post all the time, like I used to, I spend so much time thinking about it that I felt I was bringing myself more pain even though on the surface it felt good to share everything with you guys, does that make sense?

A lot of times when I'm dieting I hate myself because I feel like I'm failure, I can't even eat right - if I could, I wouldn't be fat. All the negative things I would say to myself and I think my dieting was in some ways responsible for a lot of the way I'd treat myself in all areas of my life, not just my health but in my job, in relationships, etc.

In no way am I saying Kimkins is bad because it really did help me get where I am right now. I just know that the price is high for it.

My eating has balanced out and I am no longer feasting on anything and everything. I'm eating smaller quantities naturally and enjoying what I eat without stressing so much. I think I would feel better if I ate less sugar/carbs but that has to be a gradual thing and not something I push myself to do or else I'll end up back where I was. I guess I'm just taking it one meal at a time and being OK with that - being OK with myself too. I really do love and accept myself for who and what I am and I think that's worth a lot right there.

-=-

Here's something I wrote to someone else after they saw the post I wrote just above:

I really wish I had this easy to duplicate method for weight loss. I know I'm on the right track but I don't have this pat answer for how I've done it.

Awhile back I made a post in the 100+ thread about gratitude and that is really the key to everything I've been doing.

I began doing Kimkins last Sept. when I realized that I didn't want to live my life heavy any longer. I had gone to visit a friend in Seattle and she was larger than I was (300lbs at the time) and she seemed to be loving life. She had a lot of friends, boyfriends, etc, and she seemed to have it all - meaning everything I didn't have. I envied that about her but I also realized I didn't want it. I didn't like being heavy and I didn't want to accept it like she had. She and her friends were so accepting of themselves that it didn't matter that they were 300+lbs.

I couldn't live that way. I didn't want to either so I decided that enough was enough and it was time to change. I joined up with Kimkins and lost 25lbs in the first 3 weeks and then I got cocky about it and went the way of the carb. I didn't gain any of it back and I maintained that loss until January when I dedicated myself to Kimkins and I lost another 25lbs only that time it took me 2.5months to do it.

But I had a big problem .. I wasn't happy with myself. I felt deprived and I felt like I was going to spend the rest of my life eating this way and everyone else in the world got to eat whatever they wanted. My mantra was "it isn't fair!" I was pretty miserable even though I felt fantastic and was looking pretty damn good too!

I came across 'The Secret' and in it they talk about the idea that what you think of you manifest in your life. Whoa. What a concept! Seriously, I thought about being fat, dieting, and my debt ALL DAY LONG! If what they said was true then no wonder I was fat, depressed, and in debt. I was literally telling the universe to give me more fat and debt with every thought.

I made a concerted effort right then and there to stop thinking about dieting. I stopped visiting the Kimkins site and I started to eat what I wanted to eat. I stopped fussing over my budget and put everything on auto-pay. I decided that in order to feel secure I needed at least $1000 in the bank and within one week I'd come into $1000 through various ways (refunds, etc) and I stopped thinking about money.

I did gain about 10lbs of binge eating weight initially because I was living on pure junk since I'd been denied it for about 3 months at that point.

Every night when I went to bed, I laid there and just relaxed. I started to list out what I was grateful for in my life, everything from the new bed I'd bought (and love) to the strength in my legs when I walked. It didn't matter how inconsequential it was, I was grateful for it. I was grateful every morning when I got in my car and it started, I was grateful every time the light was green and I didn't have to stop, I was grateful when my favorite parking spot was open for me every day. I binged on gratitude.

About a month after I started my "attitude of gratitude" I had a HUGE realization .. I loved my life. I loved ME! I can wake up every day and feel so happy about who I am.

I know at this point you are probably thinking, 'OK Tracey, I get the gratitude bit but what about your weight!!'

But, it's all tied together. In the book 'The Secret' they talk about acting 'as if' and being grateful for things even if you don't have them. It sounds strange but I started off with a little thing like my sleep.

Every night, after I run through my list of things I'm grateful for (that are real) I start in on what I don't have right now but I act as if I do.

I have three things that I say without fail:

I am so grateful I fall asleep quickly and easily
I am so grateful I sleep soundly and completely
I am so grateful that I wake up refreshed and ready to start my day

Ever since I started with those (somewhat beginning with the end in mind) I haven't used an alarm. I wake up at 7am wide-awake, rested and cornily, ready to start my day. If I need to wake up earlier I just change it to, "I wake up at 6am refreshed and ready to start my day" and guess what? I wake up at 6am ready to start my day.

I thought, OK, so now I'm sleeping better and it DOES have a big thing to do with my weight because I sleep well, I feel refreshed and I don't have that crazy feeling during the day that causes me to eat.

I don't eat perfect, I hope I never do because perfection is boring *G* but I don't eat as much during the day because "I Love and ACCEPT MYSELF".

I did start to make small changes, without effort actually, half a sandwich instead of a whole one, one slice of pizza instead of two (but hey, two cookies to go with that!) and mini bagels instead of the huge 4 serving bagel shop sized. I was OK with those choices because I was still having what I wanted, just not as much.

I also started doing Shapely Secrets (by Greer Childer) it's a "motionless exercise" program and it's about 7 minutes a day and it hasn't been that much work for me to do. I could handle 7 minutes and not feel forced into it or even guilted into it.

I think that's the key, doing what you can do and being accepting of it and yourself.

I started eating less food because I didn't want it. I didn't do it because I felt I *had* to do it. I just wanted less and so I ate less (see above). If I want more, I certainly eat more but I'm noticing my hunger has changed a lot and my intake reflects that. Some days I eat a lot of food and others not so much. I don't sweat it thought because I do love myself and I accept all parts of me.

When I look at myself in the mirror I see a beautiful strong person who is loving, accepting, amazing, exciting, etc etc... that's who I see now because I have love in me for everything else, I also have that same love for me. Does that make sense?

I know it's all a bit much but here's my suggestion... play what I call the gratitude game. When I have a few moments and feel a little out of sorts I start with the letter A and list one positive descriptive word that starts with A, then I go on to B, C, etc... the challenge is finding positive words. It's amazing how much negative ones will pop up in your mind way before you'll get a positive one. You'll probably get stuck on letters too and be unable to find a positive word
but persist in it and you will succeed. Once I reach Z, I start over and make myself find a NEW positive word -- this round is even harder!

I am Amazing
I am Beautiful
I am Courageous
I am Decadent
I am Eloquent
I am Feisty
I am Gracious
I am Humble
I am Ingenious
I am Joyful
I am Kind

Sometimes, I just say "I am" a lot and I feel better.

It all probably sounds like I've been smoking the new age bong or something but I seriously believe that these past two months have been some of the best in my life all because I learned how to be grateful.

-=-

Phew .. I am in an amazing place though wouldn't you say? It reminds me of the line from The Matrix where Neo asks Morpheus why his eyes hurt and Morpheus says, "because you haven't not used them before" and it just resonates with me that I had never used my eyes or my mind in such ways and now that I am I see things so much more vividly.

So here I sit and I'm eating less, yes, I'm still eating a lot of junk and I don't feel good physically. I felt better doing low-carb despite the emotional price I had to pay.

Last night I re-read the T-Tapp book section on GM/MM and then went to the forums and saw the post about the Diets-To-Go company doing GM/MM meals and thought, Eureka!

This was exactly what I needed .. I needed to put my eating on auto-pilot just like I put my bills on auto-pay and stopped thinking of them. I loved doing Jenny Craig because it took thinking out of the equation. I was at peace with eating because I wasn't obsessing about it. I was able to sit down once a week and make up a plan and then just eat according to that plan. I didn't have to fuss with it.

I ordered the 7 day menu plan from Diets-To-Go, specifically the low-carb plan since I do much better when I don't have lots of bread and carbs (especially with my PCOS) and I think this is going to a good choice for me.

Now the only thing I obsess about is my job .. maybe I could put it on 'auto-manage' *G*