A new dawning

I feel like a new person. For once it has nothing to do with a diet or exercise plan but a mental shift.

This past weekend I went up to Seattle for a weekend to visit a very dear friend. She's very comfortable in her body and is a big person. She believes in herself and that she's beautifu, strong, sexy, and every positive thing you can think. Now me, I'm not quite that confident and so it was enlightening to be around her, for one. Second, I experienced something I've never experienced before ..

nakedness.

Hah, it sounds funny but I've taken my clothes off before but never truly felt NAKED. We went to a women's korean bath in Tacoma (if you live near there ask me about it) and all the women were naked. BUTT NAKED! We spent several hours being shuffled around and soaking, scrubbed, and massaged. It was absolutely amazing. I felt naked not only in the flesh *har har* but also in spirit. I was shedding my own insecurities as I padded around and bared everything for complete strangers. It really sounds weird but I left there feeling as though that weight on my shoulders had finally been lifted.

I spent 3 days there reveling in my new nakedness (no, I didn't literally walk around naked all the time) and loving it. I came home and I still feel that way. I'm walking taller, feeling proud and aware of my "new" body.

I still have a lot of weight to get rid of but it just doesn't bother me so much anymore. It's a part of who I am but it doesn't define me.

I feel good -why didn't someone tell me how good nakedness was?

Life is pretty darn good right now. I really can't believe how much better I feel about myself. It was like my insecurities were stripped away with all the dead skin from the exfoliating treatment. I know it sounds so fruity (and nuts) but it's true.

I think a part of it too is that I met people who didn't care that I was overweight. They felt that I was attractive and they wanted to be with me. Here in California that's just not typical. Image is such a huge thing here, even in the hippy Berkeley area, and it's hard to be a big woman. I'm only 30 and yet most of the time I feel like I'm 90 because I just felt like hiding out in my house and not socializing. I always said it was because I liked to be alone and I do to an extent but I think a lot of it was fear of being rejecting me or looking at me funny.

I came home lighter emotionally and decided that I wasn't going to stand for it any more. I was going to love myself no matter what size I was. I'm tired of being unhappy and constantly obsessing over my size. I even met someone this week who thinks I'm sexy and loves how I look .. how's that for a $125 price tag? (how much the afternoon soak/scrub/massage cost).

I keep thinking of Margaret Cho's F**k It diet ... that's about how I feel right now. I'm just tired of it all and just want to relax.